This is the first post in a series I have wanted to write for some time now. Mostly, I want to write this post to memorialize the occasion, but also, so I can go back and read it whenever things get rough. If there is anything I have learned over the last four years it is that we all need a little reminder of how good we have it, once in a while. The topics of this series will vary, but centered around being a Mom. Hence, the ‘Mothering’ title.
Are you ready? Ok, let’s get to it.
Becoming a mother, simply put, is magic. Yes, I said it, magic. The feeling you get when you find out a little person is growing inside of you. A mini me? A mini him? I thought about becoming a mother my entire life and since I didn’t get pregnant until I was 35 that was a pretty long time. So many emotions, so much confusion and so much HAPPINESS! While I was, also, scared out of my pants.
Then, you feel the little buggar in your tummy. Then, you give birth. Then, you hold that little baby in your arms. I was in such shock that I had just birthed a human being I’m not sure I was living in reality. I was just doing. All the while, not realizing my heart was growing with every second that I held my new little, teeny, tiny baby. I mean, did that thing really just come out of me!?!?
When you make it through the first year it’s totally acceptable to celebrate with a big bash that the kid will never care about. Because, my friends, you just ran a year long marathon. It’s worth celebrating. What else are you going to do with all the extra love that oozes out of you every time you look at that precious one year old face?
I’m sure you are getting the gist of this post. All this magic and all this love is what it felt like, to me. I have learned more about myself, my partner and what it is to truly love. How scared you are that anything, and I mean anything will ever happen to your child. I remember the first time LL got a bruise and then a scar, I thought I had totally messed up this perfect little human we created. Then all the emotional turmoil that happens when they start figuring out social graces. My heart will always get hurt for her, even when it doesn’t need to.
As parents we take on a lot, I think everyone knows that. What I want to remember the most and what I want to share with you the most, is how amazing all that love and heart growing really is. Really. Because, nothing beats the moments when they come running at you with all the excitement in the world, just by virtue of you being their parent. The first time they say, “I lub you” and go for a kiss. When you know they realize what they are saying and they can now verbalize how important you are to their little world. It’s life changing. It changes who you are from the inside. You are no longer your own. It took me a while to give in to this, but once I did…I figured out it was what I needed.
I’m her Momma. She talks about this a lot. I hope she never stops.