As you know I’m pregnant, for the second time. What you may not know is that I just turned 38. It isn’t a big birthday, nor did we have some blow out celebration. But it happened, and it felt a little like life was just happening to me rather than me guiding it. Which is a very strange thing for someone who loves birthdays. I am the full week (heck, full month) celebrator of my birth if you let me. I love birthdays! Especially mine.
I think this is part of the reason I haven’t been back to blog since the pregnancy announcement. I wasn’t down about getting older, it was more of a depression where I was sure no one cared about my birthday. Quite pitiful, I must say. Normally, I love to write and come up with things I hope others find interesting. At the very least, try to make our daily lives interesting enough for our family members and good friends who faithfully read this blog. I couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t a pity party.
Mostly, I think it was because getting on the computer just plain depressed me. You see, on Christmas Eve my iMac decided it was going to die. With that, all the photos, client work, music downloaded, fonts installed…anything you can think of worth meaning and all the little ones that just make life easier – gone. At first, I thought it would be fine and I would get all of that data back. There were many reasons why I thought this, but really it was because I was going to be devastated, otherwise. Partly because there were a lot of photos taken since I moved the computer out to the living room, which is when I last backed up the computer. And if you are following where I am going with this it means that all the photos taken since L.L. was born went into the vapor, too.
When I first got the computer back in working order, I felt relieved. Then, I wrote my first blog post (after the vapor) and I felt that life had just lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It was freeing to get back into the virtual world again, via my blog. Next, I sat down to write more posts and I was dumbfounded – couldn’t write a thing. Along with the fact that the computer felt foreign to me. You’ll know what I mean if you’ve ever had your car or house broken into. Everything felt tainted or dirty or just plain ‘not right’ so I stayed away from the computer unless I had to use it.
With all the pregnancy hormones wondering around my body it’s pretty understandable, but I just didn’t know how to get over it. Still, I’m in denial. There is a company in Venice, CA that supposedly will do data recovery on hard drives that no one can get info from. So, I’m saving to send that baby off to Venice as soon as I can. If it doesn’t pan out I will give up and hopefully move past this sad feeling that keeps creeping up every time I log onto WordPress.
However, I must confess…after writing this post I feel quite a bit better. Thanks for listening.